vegan*core

I was at Five Below a few weeks ago, looking for interesting candy, and I had to get these. I love me some fruit snacks, but often they have gelatin in them. Plus: Simpsons! And only a dollar. You can't lose.

Or so I thought.

Straight up, these are foul and disappointing. First, they aren't shaped like Simpsons characters. I totally thought they would be, and that made me pretty sad. I wanted to eat a little vegetarian Lisa. What they are shaped like is fruit. There are six kinds: orange, lemon, cherry, grape, green apple, and strawberry.

They taste like waxy nothing. Honestly. Here's the run down:

Cherry: It's like someone put a single drop of cherry cough syrup in a vat of fruit snack mix and called it a flavor.
Green Apple: The best texture of all of them. It's plumper, softer, and not as waxy. However, it tastes like a watered down jolly rancher.
Lemon: Lemon things are always my favorite, so I was hoping this one would be okay. It's not. Before I went vegan I used to get those honey-lemon cough drops, and I guess this kind of tastes like that. If you're tasting it from 3 months ago.
Orange, Grape, and Strawberry: These should all be shaped like some kind of magical nothing-fruit, because seriously, they are so non-flavored that the only reason you can taste any difference at all between them is because you brain sees something shaped like a strawberry and tries desperately to create a strawberry taste for you so that the universe doesn't collapse into itself

I'm calling it a 2/10. I'm throwing the box away. And I totally wasted that dollar. The only reason these don't get a 1 or a 0 is because I wasn't actually dry heaving afterward.

Labels: product review

Posted by Amanda on March 20, 2007 at 11:27 PM | Permalink

Oh, WAY bummer.

I'd totally want them the way you wanted them... shaped like the Simpsons (yes, at least veg Lisa!) AND with some flavour.

What a disappointment!

Posted by KleoPatra | 1:59 AM

This entry is hilarious! "I wanted to eat a little vegetarian Lisa" - you crack me up :)

Thanks for taking this one for the team, lady. We owe you!

Posted by Mikaela | 10:10 AM

"I wanted to eat a little vegetarian Lisa."
Best. Quote. Ever.

Posted by Laura | 4:53 PM

I can't believe they aren't even shaped like Simpsons! Those bastards. I didn't know Five Below had candy haha. That store is in the same complex as Wegmans so everytime I go to work I see it, but I've never been in.
Oh yeah! I have to remember to look for those Ritter bars at work!

Posted by theONLYtania | 2:03 AM

Oh man, disappointing candy is a REAL drag!

Have you seen PETA's vegan candy list? It focuses on super-mainstream brands, but it's fun:
http://www.petakids.com/candy.html

Posted by Amey | 11:10 AM

yikes! I've never seen these, but if I had, I might have bought them. Thanks to you, I won't. Those Simpson's are such product-shilling whores! ;-)

Posted by bazu | 4:20 PM

Hey! I finally checked in the German foods section after work tonight, and found a whole collection of the Ritter Sport bars. The only vegan ones were Dark Chocolate and Dark Chocolate with marzipan. I bought them both and will surely be trying them soon! :)

Posted by theONLYtania | 12:09 AM

kleo - I know! It was really misleading. :(

mikaela - Ha, you're welcome! I don't mind eating a little bad candy every once in a while. It's still fun.

laura faye - thanks! :)

theonlytania - Bummer on not finding the peppermint ritter sports. From what I hear they're very hard to find in the US. Both of the ones you got are awesome, though!

springsandwells - thanks for the link! I've seen that before, but it didn't even occur to me to use it in this candy-reviewing endeavor.

bazu - Don't buy them! Run away. They're terrible. Damn Simpsons.

Jeena - thank you!

Posted by Amanda | 12:37 AM

hee!! you slay me. sorry they were so gross, but at least it made for some good comedy.

Posted by Anonymous | 3:59 PM