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Choxie Rant

So I was at Target last night, and as usual I was uncontrollably drawn to the Choxie. Have you seen the Choxie? Bright colors, adorable packaging, delicious names. Irresistable. Until you read the ingredients and discover that nothing is vegan. Nothing.

I mean, yeah, the milk chocolate stuff wouldn't be. But I had hope for the dark chocolate. I always have hope for the dark chocolate, but more often than not those hopes are trampled by big candy companies that seem to have cow's milk flowing through their veins. GAH. Attention candy company executives: it's dark chocolate. Dark, as in not milk, as in free of cow secretions and safe for ecstatic consumption by vegans and lactose intolerant persons the world over. At least that's what it should mean, if we listen to logic's sweet, rational whispers. But oh, logic. American done got no use for ya', son.

Adding milk to dark chocolate to make it less intense is like adding milk to soymilk to make it taste less like soybeans. Stupid. Pointless. People buy dark chocolate because they want to eat dark chocolate, not because they want milk chocolate but the color really doesn't match their upholstrey.

I'm tempted to send Choxie a letter.

Dear Choxie,

I would like to purchase and consume your dark chocolate products, but I can't. You won't let me. You might ask what I mean, because surely you'd be happy to sell them to me. You are, after all, in this for the money. Which I would love to give you, if only your dark chocolate products didn't contain dairy.

Contrary to what they may teach you at Candy School, not everyone likes milk. A lot of people are allergic to it - you may have heard of something called "lactose intolerance." You or someone you love may even be afflicted with this condition. There are also people out there who choose not to consume dairy out of compassion for cows of all sizes. These people are called vegans, and we like chocolate too. It's true! We are growing in number and need for chocolate items - items like the ones you produce.

But none of your products are free of dairy, Choxie. The only thing I can conclude from this is that you do not like baby cows. You steal their breakfast and put it into dark chocolate, where it does not belong in the first place. Why don't you love baby cows, Choxie? What have they done to you?

In conclusion, here is a piece of business advice for you: If you build it vegan, they will come. And they will bring money.


Now I wonder what they'd say if I actually sent it. I mean I'd probably just get a stock response, but you never know.

You should send it. Even if the company doesn't change, you might just open the eyes of the customer service person who has to read it.

I read in an article today that 70% of the planet is actually lactose intolerant - they stop producing the enzyme that breaks down lactose into simple sugars after the age of 4 (presumably the age by which you'd be 'weaned'). Anyway that's a staggering number! People need to clue in...

rae - I may drop them a note, actually, but probably not this one. Something a little less... whimsical would probably be taken more seriously at Target HQ. :)

punky! - I've read statistics like that, too. It's so bizarre that we pretty much train ourselves to NOT be lactose intolerant via continuous exposure to milk. Talk about unnatural. But seriously, yeah, if such a large percentage of people react badly to an food, why shove it in where it doesn't need to be? I've never really understood Corporate Logic.

I really like your letter and you should send it as is. And you're totally right that milk has no business in dark chocolate! If you want milk in your chocolate you buy milk chocolate. I don't get why companies put milk, whey, or other dairy products in some perfectly good sweet concoction that I otherwise might buy.

I've seen those, too. sometimes the ingredients don't list a dairy product, but the allergin notice at the end says it contains milk.

well, hmph. I'm voicing my opinion by which brands of chocolate I do buy.

I think you should send the letter- it's well written.

Great letter!

But really—why don't they like baby cows? Everyone likes babies!

Wow, that's so bizarre. Another user named Punky! I only entered the first comment, not the second :/

Nevermind - I'm a dolt.

chris - That's exactly what I'm saying! I mean, dark chocolate is for people who don't want milk in their chocolate. It makes no sense.

ashley - I actually eat a lot less chocolate as a vegan than I did before I made the switch, but what I do eat is so much better quality. Green and Black's Maya Gold and Tropical Source, especially the Mint Chocolate Crunch, are my favorites. But I do find Choxie enticing, and it's just another in a long line of candies that could be vegan so, so easily but still aren't. Gah.

marleigh - Thanks! Due to popular demand I may actually send the thing. :) Also, the only people who don't love baby cows have no souls. Simple as that.

punky! - Hehehe. Kudos for the use of the word "dolt." It doesn't get as much action as it should.

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